Wednesday, September 10, 2008

How Pepsi and Coke Work

Pepsi and Coke:  A popular engine degreaser.  Also a common non-alcoholic (generally) drink in the U.S.  Like coffee, this one tastes better outside the U.S.  These are usually crammed into bottles or metal cans.

Why you need to know this:  If you live in the U.S. this info is very important because once you're child becomes 3 years old, he/she will be raised on one or both of these products exclusively.  It is important to know the many uses of this product.

This one came to me from a reader's request (and no it wasn't a relative feeling sorry that nobody emails me).  Pepsi and Coke are drinks that are made up of 4 main ingredients, high fructose corn syrup, sugar, coloring, and fizzy water.  They do add small amounts of flavor enhanced chemicals if they can get some cheap from the guy on the corner, but it still mostly sugar.   If you're lucky enough to try some Pepsi or Coke, say, from Mexico, you'll notice it's made from ACTUAL sugar instead of HFCS.  Another fun fact is that Coke used to actually have cocaine in it.  You can still find this Classic flavor in parts of South America.  

These beverages are typically considered "transistion drugs".  Like huffing hair spray or eating glue, it leads to harder drugs.  Pepsi and Coke now have only two main drugs in them (3 if you live in South America), caffeine and fun.   Both of these are highly addictive and can lead to harder beverages like beer and vokda which replace the caffeine with alcohol and have higher doses of fun.  Most people say "it's no big deal.  I can stop anytime I want to." but everyone knows they can't.  They gotta suck their aluminum cans dry.  

The newest use of these products comes in the form of Diet Coke and Mentos (The Freshmaker!).  If you're on the internet, and not completely retarded, you've seen one of these videos before.  It's a shame to have all that perfectly fine Mentos go to waste.   Either way, America (North or South) wouldn't be the same without these engine degreasers!  Btw, Coke tastes better.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

How Coffee Works

Coffee: A popular drink in the U.S. made from brewing seeds (beans) from the coffee plant. It's particularly rampant in the working world as a drink that "wakes you up" since 46% of Americans sleeps during work.

Why you need to know this: You can easily impress your Starbuck's friends by telling them this while they're drinking their non-dairy, non-sugar, 4-shot, half-whip, espresso macchiato with caramel. You may possibly fool some of the gullible ones into thinking you actually know facts

Coffee is a drink known to have gobs of the stimulant drug, caffeine. Many people take the seriousness of this drug lightly, and they should. The lethal limit of caffeine is quite high compared to other "hip" drugs going around these days. Coffee also has a horrible taste that has to be saturated with a large amount of milk and sugar to make it taste good. The sugar adds to the effect of the caffeine. These two combined is what gives people that feeling like they could outrun a small fuel-efficient car while recording their half-finished novel on a micro cassette recorder. Many critics like to point out that people "crash" shortly after because the drug/sugar high wears off. This is true but only for the people who feel they must do stuff on this high. Coffee energy can be moderated just like alcohol. You don't go drinking 12 cases of beer and expect that the average person isn't going to crash. So don't use your 12 cup supply of coffee energy in one big wasteful spurt of constructive activities or the coffee critics are going to be using you as their main example. Budget your coffee energy by doing just as much work as you were before you had the coffee. This way you can have your coffee high last all day!
Coffee also gives your teeth a healthy brown tint which is a highly desirable trait in courting rituals of certain African tribes. If that isn't your thing (You swinger, you!) you can just use a pea-sized dab of toothpaste and 2 minutes later it's gone! I have found that a bottleful of Coke brand cola will also take this brown tint away along with the first layer of enamel to bring out the bright white enamel behind it.
In conclusion, coffee has won the hearts of many Americans along with their blood pressure levels. Look for many varieties of this beverage at your nearest petrol station, food store, or look for the rare combination entitled "Rocket Fuel" which is exclusively produced by my friend Steve. This "Rocket Fuel" can occasionally be found in the syrup isle of some grocery stores.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

How The Website "" Works A news website created by some ass-hole, Kevin Rose, to take control of the interweb. It is user-moderated so terrorists can join the fun from the comforts of their own living room.

Why you need to know this: Of all the websites on the Internet, this one comes in at #6

This website is full of people similar to the ones you find at Wal-Mart only louder and with more confidence. News articles about stupid things such as the iPhone's new-found ability to skip across floors when thrown are rated as "dugg" or "buried". After one "votes" on the said article, they are inclined to write a comment and submit it. True "diggers" usually stay around the article for awhile and bitch at other people who are leaving comments. After this ritual, they click the link and read the article. This can go on all day or until the user has to leave work.
Many people feel the need to submit many articles in the hopes to get as many articles of theirs on the coveted "front" "page". Once on the "front" "page" it is seen by about a frillion people and usually accumulates a lot of "diggs" or positive votes. then tallys all the "diggs" your submitted articles received and hold an annual Best Digger of the Year banquet to which they hand out awards to people with the highest scores. The battle to receive the highest scores are pretty fierce seeing as whoever receives such an award is bombarded by chicks for life. Girls love that sorta thing. also has a darker side to it. Due to the enormous amount of "electronic traffic" resulting from an article hitting the "front" "page", the server that is hosting the article usually gets up, marches straight to the bosses' office, and urinates on the desk before leaving the building. This is called the "digg effect". It can easily be identified when clicking a link because you receive some error rather than the desired article. Terrorist use this phenomenon to crash American servers. They usually accomplish this by posting some article about "How the Apple iPhone can display a picture of a Nintendo Wii found on Google perfectly" on the server they want to crash along with a little "digg" button conveniently place for lazy people. People go ape-shit over stuff like that.

Monday, July 23, 2007

How College Billing Works

College Bills: Just like any other bill you receive, except if you don't pay it your classes get canceled.

Why you need to know this: This will help you pay your bills on time and also encourage snide remarks the next time you pay your bill.

College bills are a subset of "junk mail" that actually is important and shouldn't be thrown out, yet you'd really love to do just that. There are several tactics that college love to do. First is to wait until the last minute to actually let you see your bill. This is usually done 2 weeks or less to when it is due. This lets colleges save money by only employing "financial assistants" only during those 2 weeks. They know the line will be extremely long those days and will keep the employees busy. Plus, the administration LOVES to walk by during those 2 weeks and laugh at all the "stupid students" that are giving up 3 hours of their time to wait in line and give the shitty administration a good lump of their hard earned cash.

Another way they work is by sending you several updated bills. Several weeks after you paid for your next quarter towards that liberal arts degree, they send you a notice that your bill has been updated. This gives you an undeniable urge to go online through the painfully long process of tracking down said bill. Once found, there is a delightful $200 charge for "Whatever the hell we want for no good reason".

Once all of your bills are paid, the clerks go back into the vault to dive and swim in the mountain of cash. This is similar to Scrooge from Duck Tales. After several months of that, they eventually get around to issuing those reimbursement checks for students that overpaid or they'll watch movies in the break room.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

How Multiple Choice and T & F Tests Work

Multiple Choice/T&F Tests: Tests that are made up with overly vague or overly specific questions with 2 or more possible answers where only 1 answer is correct.

Why you need to know this: You really don't.

Multiple choice and T&F tests were devised by lazy professors and teachers so that grading can be done quicker and easier. Good questions for these test contain several correct answers but only one of those answers is the right correct one. The quest for the student is to obtain mind-reading skills and know exactly what the professor means regardless of what is written. These tests are extremely accurate in scoring mind-reading skills.

Example of a great test question:

T or F: Biology is correct.

The obvious answer is false. If you thought it was true, then you would completely flunk a biology test because you couldn't answer a biology question correctly. Another great way to test is to tell your students incorrect information and then test over the correct information. It's not lying if they didn't look it up in resources other than the textbook.

Multiple choice tests work by adding the option "none of the above" and putting synonyms for all the other choices. Since all the choices are technically correct, students will have to use their mind-reading skills to know that you don't want the technically correct answer. Remember, there is only one way to solve every problem and it's your way.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

How Chipotle Flavored Tabasco Sauce Works

Chipotle Flavored Tabasco: A brand of hot sauce made from Tabasco peppers, duh.

Why you need to know this: To plan a method of consumption while avoid becoming dependent and addicted to the sauce.

Tabasco sauce is a popular hot sauce here in the U.S. and many other areas of the world. It was invented by Top Chef winner, Edmund McIlhenny back in 1869. When he first started making the sauce, he bottled it in recycled cologne bottles. Today, they're brand new cologne bottles. With several variations of the sauce on the market, such as Sweet and Spicy, habanero, and the green pepper (jalapeƱo), the Chipotle pepper flavor is the one containing the most amounts of crack cocaine. This is a direct result of drug smugglers attempt at hiding the cocaine in recycled cologne bottles before checking to make sure they were empty. In a Miami drug bust, a whole container full of, what was assumed to be Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce because that's what the label said, was in fact Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce with crack. The Miami PD and Coast Guard believed that they had a crate of Tabasco sauce and nothing more because the little plastic thing at the top of the bottles wasn't broken. The bottles were shipped across the nation and consumed by many innocent Americans. These people are now addicted to the sauce and will perform heinous acts so that they could put some of the Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce on their pizza at lunch. These people generally become homeless end up never trying Frank's Cocaine-less Red Hot sauce.

How Rolling Blackouts Work

Rolling blackout: refers to an intentionally-engineered electrical power outage, caused by insufficient available resources to meet prevailing demand for* electricity.

*piss everyone off equally who need

Why you need to know: So you can drive your ice cream to a friend's house who's on a different power grid.

Contrary to Popular Belief (I love that magazine), a rolling blackout isn't a blackout that revolves down the street at night crushing every car and SUV in its sight just because he was never loved as a small child blackout. It is, in fact, when the electric company turns off power grids in a preset order because to many people are using their toasters, vacuuming, and watching The Price Is Right all at the same time. This is common in other countries outside the U.S. but inside, the reasons are different. At the electric plant, engineers sometime get confused which light switches turn on the coffee maker and which ones turn off power grids. So they just flip one at random. About 2 hours later, they realize that their coffee is still cold so they turn the previous switch back on and flip another switch. This continues for a few days before they realize that the coffee maker was unplugged.