How The Website "digg.com" Works

Digg.com: A news website created by some ass-hole, Kevin Rose, to take control of the interweb. It is user-moderated so terrorists can join the fun from the comforts of their own living room.

Why you need to know this: Of all the websites on the Internet, this one comes in at #6

This website is full of people similar to the ones you find at Wal-Mart only louder and with more confidence. News articles about stupid things such as the iPhone's new-found ability to skip across floors when thrown are rated as "dugg" or "buried". After one "votes" on the said article, they are inclined to write a comment and submit it. True "diggers" usually stay around the article for awhile and bitch at other people who are leaving comments. After this ritual, they click the link and read the article. This can go on all day or until the user has to leave work.
Many people feel the need to submit many articles in the hopes to get as many articles of theirs on the coveted "front" "page". Once on the "front" "page" it is seen by about a frillion people and usually accumulates a lot of "diggs" or positive votes. Digg.com then tallys all the "diggs" your submitted articles received and hold an annual Best Digger of the Year banquet to which they hand out awards to people with the highest scores. The battle to receive the highest scores are pretty fierce seeing as whoever receives such an award is bombarded by chicks for life. Girls love that sorta thing.
Digg.com also has a darker side to it. Due to the enormous amount of "electronic traffic" resulting from an article hitting the "front" "page", the server that is hosting the article usually gets up, marches straight to the bosses' office, and urinates on the desk before leaving the building. This is called the "digg effect". It can easily be identified when clicking a link because you receive some error rather than the desired article. Terrorist use this phenomenon to crash American servers. They usually accomplish this by posting some article about "How the Apple iPhone can display a picture of a Nintendo Wii found on Google perfectly" on the server they want to crash along with a little "digg" button conveniently place for lazy people. People go ape-shit over stuff like that.

How College Billing Works

College Bills: Just like any other bill you receive, except if you don't pay it your classes get canceled.

Why you need to know this: This will help you pay your bills on time and also encourage snide remarks the next time you pay your bill.

College bills are a subset of "junk mail" that actually is important and shouldn't be thrown out, yet you'd really love to do just that. There are several tactics that college love to do. First is to wait until the last minute to actually let you see your bill. This is usually done 2 weeks or less to when it is due. This lets colleges save money by only employing "financial assistants" only during those 2 weeks. They know the line will be extremely long those days and will keep the employees busy. Plus, the administration LOVES to walk by during those 2 weeks and laugh at all the "stupid students" that are giving up 3 hours of their time to wait in line and give the shitty administration a good lump of their hard earned cash.

Another way they work is by sending you several updated bills. Several weeks after you paid for your next quarter towards that liberal arts degree, they send you a notice that your bill has been updated. This gives you an undeniable urge to go online through the painfully long process of tracking down said bill. Once found, there is a delightful $200 charge for "Whatever the hell we want for no good reason".

Once all of your bills are paid, the clerks go back into the vault to dive and swim in the mountain of cash. This is similar to Scrooge from Duck Tales. After several months of that, they eventually get around to issuing those reimbursement checks for students that overpaid or they'll watch movies in the break room.

How Multiple Choice and T & F Tests Work

Multiple Choice/T&F Tests: Tests that are made up with overly vague or overly specific questions with 2 or more possible answers where only 1 answer is correct.

Why you need to know this: You really don't.

Multiple choice and T&F tests were devised by lazy professors and teachers so that grading can be done quicker and easier. Good questions for these test contain several correct answers but only one of those answers is the right correct one. The quest for the student is to obtain mind-reading skills and know exactly what the professor means regardless of what is written. These tests are extremely accurate in scoring mind-reading skills.

Example of a great test question:

T or F: Biology is correct.

The obvious answer is false. If you thought it was true, then you would completely flunk a biology test because you couldn't answer a biology question correctly. Another great way to test is to tell your students incorrect information and then test over the correct information. It's not lying if they didn't look it up in resources other than the textbook.

Multiple choice tests work by adding the option "none of the above" and putting synonyms for all the other choices. Since all the choices are technically correct, students will have to use their mind-reading skills to know that you don't want the technically correct answer. Remember, there is only one way to solve every problem and it's your way.

How Chipotle Flavored Tabasco Sauce Works

Chipotle Flavored Tabasco: A brand of hot sauce made from Tabasco peppers, duh.

Why you need to know this: To plan a method of consumption while avoid becoming dependent and addicted to the sauce.

Tabasco sauce is a popular hot sauce here in the U.S. and many other areas of the world. It was invented by Top Chef winner, Edmund McIlhenny back in 1869. When he first started making the sauce, he bottled it in recycled cologne bottles. Today, they're brand new cologne bottles. With several variations of the sauce on the market, such as Sweet and Spicy, habanero, and the green pepper (jalapeño), the Chipotle pepper flavor is the one containing the most amounts of crack cocaine. This is a direct result of drug smugglers attempt at hiding the cocaine in recycled cologne bottles before checking to make sure they were empty. In a Miami drug bust, a whole container full of, what was assumed to be Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce because that's what the label said, was in fact Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce with crack. The Miami PD and Coast Guard believed that they had a crate of Tabasco sauce and nothing more because the little plastic thing at the top of the bottles wasn't broken. The bottles were shipped across the nation and consumed by many innocent Americans. These people are now addicted to the sauce and will perform heinous acts so that they could put some of the Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce on their pizza at lunch. These people generally become homeless end up never trying Frank's Cocaine-less Red Hot sauce.

How Rolling Blackouts Work

Rolling blackout: refers to an intentionally-engineered electrical power outage, caused by insufficient available resources to meet prevailing demand for* electricity.

*piss everyone off equally who need

Why you need to know: So you can drive your ice cream to a friend's house who's on a different power grid.

Contrary to Popular Belief (I love that magazine), a rolling blackout isn't a blackout that revolves down the street at night crushing every car and SUV in its sight just because he was never loved as a small child blackout. It is, in fact, when the electric company turns off power grids in a preset order because to many people are using their toasters, vacuuming, and watching The Price Is Right all at the same time. This is common in other countries outside the U.S. but inside, the reasons are different. At the electric plant, engineers sometime get confused which light switches turn on the coffee maker and which ones turn off power grids. So they just flip one at random. About 2 hours later, they realize that their coffee is still cold so they turn the previous switch back on and flip another switch. This continues for a few days before they realize that the coffee maker was unplugged.

How Cellphones Work Far From The City

Cellphone: a long-range, portable electronic device used for mobile communication. (wikipedia.org)

Why you need to know this: When you're not near the city and you need to harass your friends, it helps to know how to get more bars.

Explanation: Cell phones, as you know, work great when you're near a major city, but why do they start crapping out as you venture further and further into Missouri? The obvious reason is that your "friends" really don't want to hear what you have to say. The scientific reason though, isn't much different. You see, your phone needs to connect to what's call a "tower". It has to do this without wires so the best way of doing this is to employ illegal immigrants. Phone companies are all about saving the Benjamins and immigrants will work for the Washingtons. As your digital signal dwindles down to nothing, immigrants start moving in on your conversation. They over hear what you're saying and pass it down to the next immigrant (usually about a block's length away) until it gets to an immigrant that's close enough to these "towers" to call it in. Skeptics of technology question this saying, "Would the Mexicans have to do this really fast?" After months of testing the answer is yes. They do go very fast but I don't recall saying they were Mexican.

This is why when you get out of range on your cell phone, it's really hard to understand people. It's also why you can't send sophisticated things like pictures or text messages while too far out in the boonies. It helps to speak a different language too.

How Thermal Grease Works

Thermal Grease: Thermal conductive grease commonly sandwiched between a computer processor and a heat sink.

Why you need to know this: This explains why your laptop gets hot and burns your ugly ass pants.

Extremely scientific explanation: Thermal paste has to have the right amount otherwise it become inefficient at it's job. Thermal paste is made of millions and millions of Keebler Elves. They collect the heat in little zip lock bags from your processor have to carry it all the way to the heat sink. On most computers, the heat sink is above the processor giving the elves an uphill battle in transferring heat. If there are too many elves for the task, they get in each other's way resulting in the zip lock bags ripping or just not closing even though you've sealed like 4 times now. All the heat escapes from those damaged zip locks and fall back down to the processor. That's why processors can overheat. That's also why the bottom of the laptop can get really hot when the heat hits the processor and splashes everywhere.