How Chipotle Flavored Tabasco Sauce Works

Chipotle Flavored Tabasco: A brand of hot sauce made from Tabasco peppers, duh.

Why you need to know this: To plan a method of consumption while avoid becoming dependent and addicted to the sauce.

Tabasco sauce is a popular hot sauce here in the U.S. and many other areas of the world. It was invented by Top Chef winner, Edmund McIlhenny back in 1869. When he first started making the sauce, he bottled it in recycled cologne bottles. Today, they're brand new cologne bottles. With several variations of the sauce on the market, such as Sweet and Spicy, habanero, and the green pepper (jalapeño), the Chipotle pepper flavor is the one containing the most amounts of crack cocaine. This is a direct result of drug smugglers attempt at hiding the cocaine in recycled cologne bottles before checking to make sure they were empty. In a Miami drug bust, a whole container full of, what was assumed to be Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce because that's what the label said, was in fact Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce with crack. The Miami PD and Coast Guard believed that they had a crate of Tabasco sauce and nothing more because the little plastic thing at the top of the bottles wasn't broken. The bottles were shipped across the nation and consumed by many innocent Americans. These people are now addicted to the sauce and will perform heinous acts so that they could put some of the Chipotle flavored Tabasco sauce on their pizza at lunch. These people generally become homeless end up never trying Frank's Cocaine-less Red Hot sauce.

How Rolling Blackouts Work

Rolling blackout: refers to an intentionally-engineered electrical power outage, caused by insufficient available resources to meet prevailing demand for* electricity.

*piss everyone off equally who need

Why you need to know: So you can drive your ice cream to a friend's house who's on a different power grid.

Contrary to Popular Belief (I love that magazine), a rolling blackout isn't a blackout that revolves down the street at night crushing every car and SUV in its sight just because he was never loved as a small child blackout. It is, in fact, when the electric company turns off power grids in a preset order because to many people are using their toasters, vacuuming, and watching The Price Is Right all at the same time. This is common in other countries outside the U.S. but inside, the reasons are different. At the electric plant, engineers sometime get confused which light switches turn on the coffee maker and which ones turn off power grids. So they just flip one at random. About 2 hours later, they realize that their coffee is still cold so they turn the previous switch back on and flip another switch. This continues for a few days before they realize that the coffee maker was unplugged.

How Cellphones Work Far From The City

Cellphone: a long-range, portable electronic device used for mobile communication. (wikipedia.org)

Why you need to know this: When you're not near the city and you need to harass your friends, it helps to know how to get more bars.

Explanation: Cell phones, as you know, work great when you're near a major city, but why do they start crapping out as you venture further and further into Missouri? The obvious reason is that your "friends" really don't want to hear what you have to say. The scientific reason though, isn't much different. You see, your phone needs to connect to what's call a "tower". It has to do this without wires so the best way of doing this is to employ illegal immigrants. Phone companies are all about saving the Benjamins and immigrants will work for the Washingtons. As your digital signal dwindles down to nothing, immigrants start moving in on your conversation. They over hear what you're saying and pass it down to the next immigrant (usually about a block's length away) until it gets to an immigrant that's close enough to these "towers" to call it in. Skeptics of technology question this saying, "Would the Mexicans have to do this really fast?" After months of testing the answer is yes. They do go very fast but I don't recall saying they were Mexican.

This is why when you get out of range on your cell phone, it's really hard to understand people. It's also why you can't send sophisticated things like pictures or text messages while too far out in the boonies. It helps to speak a different language too.

How Thermal Grease Works

Thermal Grease: Thermal conductive grease commonly sandwiched between a computer processor and a heat sink.

Why you need to know this: This explains why your laptop gets hot and burns your ugly ass pants.

Extremely scientific explanation: Thermal paste has to have the right amount otherwise it become inefficient at it's job. Thermal paste is made of millions and millions of Keebler Elves. They collect the heat in little zip lock bags from your processor have to carry it all the way to the heat sink. On most computers, the heat sink is above the processor giving the elves an uphill battle in transferring heat. If there are too many elves for the task, they get in each other's way resulting in the zip lock bags ripping or just not closing even though you've sealed like 4 times now. All the heat escapes from those damaged zip locks and fall back down to the processor. That's why processors can overheat. That's also why the bottom of the laptop can get really hot when the heat hits the processor and splashes everywhere.